1.....2....3.....CLEAR!

Since I have been at the theater 3 people have died.  

One Guy, just fell asleep...Didn't wake up

What a way to go!

One lady -- I think had a stroke...I wasn't there for that.

But this one dude...Prob in his 80's, just literally dropped dead, right in front of me.

I headed to work a bit early this day...

Not sure why..

And as I'm walking towards the front of the building...this old guy, just falls....

getting all twisted up in the line poles.

I rush over...Cuz, what the hell...I love drama.

I took the mans hand, and tried to talk to him.

Felt his pulse...it was there...

Told the kid at ticket drop to call 9-1-1

This guy literally squeezed my hand...Let out a huge breath

(as he did, a drop of his spit got on my lip)

And never again drew back in his air.

He was gone.

Paramedics got there and used this machine on him, that was doing chest compression's....

It was awful.   

No one in my life has ever literally died in my arms...

But this dude did....

And all HE had planned that day, was to go see a movie.

SIGH.

BooB Sweat! No Thanks.

So this lady comes to the registers to pay for her overpriced snacks.

$31.82 Please.

She took 40 bucks out from UNDERNEATH her boobs!   

UNDER PEOPLE!!!

Like she had to LIFT her ENORMOUS titties, to search for it....And dig around a bit.

I'm surprised she didn't send her kid inside her bra to help look for it.

When she gave it to me, it was all wet and crumbled up...

Uh...

I HATE MY LIFE.

COMPLAINTS

What do you think is the BIGGEST complaint we get at the theater..?

I had to think about this one a bit....Because we get A LOT of complaints!  I mean A LOT!

I always dread when I hear over the radio..."Manager to Guest Services"...Because you KNOW...there's going to be some Ass-hat there who has something negative to say.

Here are our TOP 5 complaints (In my opinion) 

* In order *

1.   BATHROOMS.  No big surprise there!  When you have 4-5000 people in a day coming into your building....Things are bound to get messy!  Heck, I have a hard time keeping up with my family here at home.

2.  TEMPERATURE.  "It's too hot."  "It's too cold."  Waa waa waaa!  Again...Can't please EVERYONE!

3.  VOLUME.  We have DOLBY ATMOS...Know what THAT means....?  IT MEANS LOUD!

I have this guy who comes in pretty frequently...With an APP on his phone, that he says shows our auditoriums are "ABUSIVELY LOUD"...

Oh yeah...and he's going to SUE ME PERSONALLY.

Go Head. Make My Day. 

4.  PRICES.  Sorry Dip Shit.  I don't control those.  And IF I did, I'd charge you double, just for being an idiot..and complaining about the prices.

(Funny thing..when I googled "idiot"...this pic popped up)

5.  OTHER PEOPLE BEING NOISY. Occasionally, someone will come out to complain about people talking during the movie.  I HATE this complaint...Because like....SERIOUSLY!?  

If you come to the movies....spend ALLLLLL that money.....

SHUT.  THE.  FUCK.  UP!

Don't ruin everyone elses experience!

There are about 100 more - But these are the most fun.

TOP TEN

You knew it was coming.  

What is the nastiest thing you have found in your theater...?

Well....Lucky You.

I Have a TOP 10 Nastiest Things I Have Found!

10

A 'pocket rocket'  - don't know what that is...??

It's a small vibrator. And I touched it.  Yeah. Ugh.

9

Used tissues.  In the cup holder...After 50 Shades of Grey.  I have learned to wear gloves...But sometimes I forget - And cleaning out the cup holders can be the WORST!  

Like...Gee...Thanks...You left a wad of napkins, that are wet with mysterious goo...Thanks!

8

 A zip lock filled with urine.
Hey guys...Don't do this.  I thought it was BUTTER....and made the mistake of unzipping the bag...and the smell of piss was overwhelming!

IF YOU HAVE TO PEE...GO TO THE TOILET!

There's a GREAT app, so you can pee and not miss any of the movie!

It's called - runpee 

GET IT!

7

Dirty diaper....that was so full, crap was overflowing....And someone was kind enough to shove it inside the recliner cracks...Ya....I was thankful for gloves!

6

Used condoms.

Yeah...People impress me.

And just so you people know...we SWEEP the theaters.  

We don't chlorox anything...so sit at your own risk.

At least it was SAFE SEX.

5

Hypodermic Needle.  In the seat crack.
COME ON PEOPLE!

4

A set of DENTURES!

I found this actually TWICE!!
I received the phone call from the one of the customers...It was funny...
"Hi...Um so I lost something in your theater lastnight....My wife doesn't know yet..but did you happen to find any teeth..?"

3

MICE MICE MICE....

Yep.  They are everywhere!  What do you expect?!  

You people and your disgustingness are the reason for them!  

You are filthy and mice love you!

One good thing though...I know EXACTLY what a rotting mouse corpse smells like, and it's most likely going to be found under your seat!

Enjoy the Show!

2

VOOOOMMMIIITTTT!

Yeah...That's pretty much everywhere too.  

I don't get it....If you're sick....STAY THE FUCK HOME!

If you're at the theater and feeling sick...
GO THE FUCK HOME!

 Know what we do for vomit...?

We just sprinkle this Magic shit all over it, to cover up the smell, then sweep the chunks up.

So this kid...chucks, right in the middle of FROZEN...

Packed theater.  Can't really do anything about it.

Just sprinkle that AMAZING Magic Gel over said vomit..and go on with the show.

READY FOR NUMBER ONE....?

If you read my other posts, you saw the LEGEND in the Pretzel Box, right...?  I mean what's COOL about that...Is that the crew still talks about it...They say things like ---
"OMG - YOU'RE THE POOP LADY?"

Yes...Yes I am...

Autographs upon request.  

Ok .. But I think THIS situation may top 'The Legend'

Ready..?

Really?

You sure..?

You may never go back to the theater again...

Ok - I'll tell you.

It's POOP related...You REALLY sure...?

It also may have a little vomit too.

My vomit.

Yeah....Because I had to CLEAN UP SOMEONES DIARRHEA ! 

BY MYSELF!

ALL OVER OUR NICE NEW RECLINERS!



ADULT DIARRHEA!
It was everywhere....UP THE BACK of the chair....In the sides...down the middle.

WHY GOD???? WHYYYYY?????

Say CHEESE!

"Take your cheese and shove it up your A$$."

Ya....Our customers are real Class Acts.  

This lovely statement was brought to you because we had to move an entire auditorium to another auditorium due to a "projector issue"...(We are trained to blame any and ALL issues...even human mistakes on the projector...it's just easier that way)

Anyways...this upset one particular customer...who just didn't want to deal with any of this...So I tried to help him at Guest Services....This man HAD to have been dealing with outside issues....maybe he was constipated (we have a box for that)....Or maybe he's not getting laid enough...regardless...He was a prick.

I offered him a refund...which he took....but he wanted more.

Here's my philosophy on giving more...If you aren't a Jack-hole...and you refrain from swearing at me...I'll do everything I can - take make the issue better for you --

But, the moment you open your mouth and say something nasty to me...I'm done.

This guy, was angry.  Wasn't happy with JUST a refund...But gave me NO REASON to want to give him more....So he threw a tantrum....Slamming his nachos with OPENED cheese across the counter, which hit the wall, then hit me....SPLATTERING warm-ooooozy cheese all down my pant leg ... and onto my shoes.

Again.  I'm done with you!

LANGUAGE!

People spend A LOT of money at the theater...So I get it, when things don't go as planned, they get upset.  We TRY to make up for it though, by any means possible....Refunds, passes....etc  But sometimes, that's not enough.

It's about more than money.  It's wasted time....Which can't be refunded.

I'm a customer service pro.  I take a lot of pride in this.  I can TYPICALLY take a really bad situation and turn it around fairly quickly...

But...Then there are those times, when my charm, just isn't charmy enough.

Example #1

Christmas Night at a movie theater is the worst - Not only am I away from MY family, I am in one of the ONLY PLACES that is open...so you know it's going to be busy!!!  I don't know what it is about the holidays, that brings out the worst in people...But let me tell you...Working in customer service during the holidays is horrible.  People are dicks.

Last Christmas...My shift was 3-11. 

At least I got the morning with my family.

The first thing I noticed when I got to work, was the parking lot.  

I can always gauge how my night will go, based on how full the parking lot it....And THIS night....EVERY SINGLE spot was taken....even in the employee lot...which isn't specifically JUST for employees...but you KNOW...when THESE spots are taken...it's going to be HELL inside. 

I drove around for a few minutes, and ended up in a spot that was kinda far from the employee entrance.  UGH...FINE!

As I'm walking to the theater...I am dreading what awaits me.  I KNOW what i'm walking into...

As I get to the back door and put my key in...I stop.  I can turn around now...go home, and never look back.  Yeah...I COULD do that.  But that's not me.  

I open the door and go in.   I can hear the people in the lobby, the endless ENDLESS beeping of the poppers...and the trash...OMG the trash....It's piled up in the loading dock, from the ushers busy day...and them not having the time to take it to the compactor.

I take a deep breath.

Clocking-in is the worst, when it's busy like this.

I put my radio on my belt loop and turn it on.  Immediately- there are calls for help at guest services.

The line for Guest Services was quite long...And we have a limited number of registers...But I go over, to see if anyone needs something -

I guess a theater had gone down....and people were in line for refunds.  So..there wasn't much I could do...But I did check in with the people in line, and I apologized to the, for their troubles.

One guy - who was about 10 people back from the front...was swaying back and forth, and quietly cursing...and very obviously upset with the situation.  I hesitated, but I went up to him, and I said that we are working very hard on the issues, and I was so very sorry for his wait.

He looked up from his phone...Glared at me with dark-beady eyes and YELLED....I say Yelled...But really, he didn't yell...But it sure felt like it...."If you would just learn to do your stupid job, you fucking cunt..."   Ya...

So I go back into the manager office...and I got another manager, told him what this guy just said to me...and THANKFULLY this manager stood up for me, and kicked the guy out.  NO REFUND.

I looked at my phone for the time...3:17pm.  

It's A Shit Show!

Now, before you read any further....Yes, this post will be about POOP.  

When I say, "I've seen it all"...I truly hope that it's true....

I'd hate to think that there is MORE for me to deal with.

I'll narrow this down to ONE story that stands out....

It was a very VERY busy night...THANKSGIVING night to be exact, and 2 of our ushers decided to call out sick...Ya..right....It's called "I ate too much and don't feel like going in.."

Because of our short-handedness, I do what I always do, and help out.  Cleaning theaters is not my favorite task...But you do what you gotta do.

Anyways...

The theaters were a MESS!

I'm not just saying messy, as in a few sweeps would take care of it....

Folks....I get leaving your trash and providing "job security" or what-not...But GOOD GRIEF...

PICK.....UP.....YOUR.....FUCKING......TRASH!

This is basically what I faced...In every auditorium.  And people wonder why we have mice.

As I'm working my way through EACH AND EVERY GOD DAMMED ROW...Making SEVERAL trips to the garbage cans....I come across the messiest rows of all.  

I swear, I wanted to throw my broom and dustpan, and walk out.

The stupid pre-show comes on, indicating another movie is getting ready to start.

I wipe the sweat from my forehead, and forge on.

At this point...I'm so angry, cussing under my breath...

I FINALLY get to the last row and sigh a big breath...It's not as bad as the other rows...

I gather up what I could, and head back down to the garbage....and back up for my last ARMFUL of trash...

What's this....?

Our GINORMOUS PRETZEL BOX.  I hate these things, cuz they really don't fit in the holes, that lead to the trash cans...and you have to fold them to get them in...

Yeah so I picked up this box...which was shockingly really heavy....

What a WASTE!!  Someone spent over 15 bucks...and didn't even eat their pretzel...?

I lifted off the lid...

It wasn't a pretzel that I found.  

Ya.

Um.

Instead.

It was a huge piece of CRAP!

That sucker must've weighed 4 pounds!

I immediately closed the box...holding back my vomit.  I mean...IF I did vomit, no one would notice....since most of our theaters smell like rotting mice corpses, shit or vomit anyway.

I slam the shit box into the garbage, just as people began filtering in.

"Enjoy your movie"....I say through clenched teeth...

SEX

It happens more than you think.  More than you HOPE...and Yeah...I've actually witness a few things, more than I care to admit to...But Hey....This is a blog about where I don't have to hold back...so why not!?

People are disgusting, no doubt about it.  

The things I have witness at MY theater, would probably not only make you blush....But also toss your frickin' cookies.

I get the 'thrill' of 'doing it' in places you could get caught...But come on...this is MORE than getting caught...This is a FELONY and a life time of possible regret...

One would think.

THREE instances come to mind, when thinking about my experiences with sex in a theater....NO.....NOT MY PERSONAL experiences...I'm adventurous, but I draw the line at parking lots.

ACT 1-

 So...I was pretty new, and I had this customer come out to complain about "noises" coming from behind him.    "Ok...Ok...I'll go check it out..."  So, we (a supervisor and me)  go...walk up the back stairs, so that we can sneak up on whoever was making said noises....And get this...there was like 5 people total in this auditorium....So like, ya, we figured out pretty easily who was responsible....

I swear.  This girl, was on her knees in front of this guy...going to town....I jingled my keys as to possibly get their attention....but that didn't do anything.... So, I say. "A-hem...excuse me....you...uh...can't do that here...."  (Trying not to laugh)  The girl slowly gets up....wipes her mouth and asks..."Why not...Its a free Country...?"

Oh----The----Stupidity!

ACT 2-

I get that some movies are sooo boring, or bad....that one may ask themselves why they are there watching that movie....I mean, I have seen some movies that have me questioning how it made it off the idea board....But I mean....As long as you leave before the movie is over...Come get a refund...and spend that money on something else....DON'T TRY AND GET CREATIVE WITH YOUR TIME!

One day...During a really bad MADEA movie.....a couple was, I guess just bored and decided to get their groove on....But THIS TIME....The auditorium was packed!

TWICE.  This customer came out to tell us...."I think there are people having sex...."  

We go in....see nothing the first time....But the second time we go....

Yeah....At least they had a blanket wrapped around their bottom half....The top half though....She had her arms in her shirt...but she had pulled the front, up and over her head...so, them boobies were for all to see.  No shame.  We kicked those 2 out.  No refund....Since the girl called me a "Cock-blocking Bitch"....Yeah...so sorry to ruin your romantic evening.

ACT 3-

Employees.  Gave a whole new meaning to "When you have time to lean...You have time to clean..."

They were leaning alright...

I was asked where ...Let's call him 'Sam' was...He had a tendency to disappear, leaving the  ushers short-handed...So- I decided to go on a hunt.  

Not in the break room...

Not in any of the cleaning closets....

Ahhh but theatre 7...

There you are Sam!

FOUND YOU!

And...I also found 'Matt'.

Yup.

Use your imagination on this one....I'm not sure I can type it out.

Get A Job They Said...It'll Be Fun....

Fun...?  Ya mostly...Or...Um...partially...?  I can't say my job at the theater is "fun"....But it is, at least exciting.  Here, I will have the chance to document the CRAZY things I have witness...Which, let me tell you, will make your mouth drop!

Sit back....relax...brush the stale popcorn off your seat....and PLEASE....PLEASE, do not stick your hands inside your chair....and just ignore the rustling, chewing sounds that are coming from beneath you.....

If we turn the volume up...maybe --just maybe...you wont be bothered by them....